Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Matters went out of place again at home. And i just don't believe im the one was to be blame all the time. Why? Why me only? I knew i made a biggest mistake but why people still have to blame me after everything has settled? 2 days past my home electricity were cut off. i over heard mom's conversation with sis regarding the bills. trying not to make them think that i don't bother, i force myself to join their conversation. I knew there's tons of dollars needed to pay out those bills, but why i am the one that has to be blame for all this? just because about the abortion matters? flash it back, who was the one that insisted the abortion so much. it wasn't me. i wanted my baby so much. it was dad that forces everyone including hubby's parents to agree with the abortion eventhough hubby's parents do not want to abort it. in fact, they came with open arms to help up.dad had made fake stories to mom that they do not want the child. so dad wanted this badly, and now all the unpaid bills were insufficent.
lil sis, yes, i did cause trouble. but both me and bf wanted to be responsible for it. and now abortion has over, our family's financial are tight, im the one were to be blame. just put urself in my shoes. i've lost my dearest child, people are forcing me to leave my hubby, and now, im the cause of our family's tight financial. (tears rolling) mom and u can say that i don't spare a thought, but can u feel what i am feeling inside? each day i never fail to cry to myself. i think of my late child, my relationship, and my family. me and hubby had decided to give mom $400 monthly after our marriage which dad at first agree. now he had twist the whole thang. u can say dad is not at rest working thinking of me. but how sure are u? i hate dad so much cause i knew his darkest secret behind his working scenes on what he had done to our family. and so for now, yeah.. suits you so that im cause for all this..
no one understands this feeling of mine. although they hate bf so much, bf never fails praying to god to protect mom and dad.. but people around us can't stop pulling us down. its not easy for me to forget the past and forget him as well. I've gave birth to his child and we can't possibly tear apart. our son needs us 1 day. me and him have to be together. i can see in mum's eyes that she hated me so much. whenever sis is not at home, mom does not talk to me nicely. till sis homed, she will be back like normal. i know i cause all this. and i know im the one who has to be blamed. so i think its time for me to leave. so that i won't cause any troubles to my family. but don't u worry sis, i will give mom my salry money every month without my presence at home. its time for me to find a new shelter. (tears rolling furiously)
i love mom and my siblings, but sometimes they just don't know what i feel inside..
im leaving soon..
Monday, October 20, 2008
1)Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
* my dearest hubby..
2)Your boy/girlfriends ex calls and needs a tire change, do you lend them a help?
*nope. why helping them when they're in need only?
3)Ever seen a ghost?
*nope,don't wish to see neither!
4)Do you love anyone?
*absolutely yes!
5)A person that you miss?
*my late son..
6)A band/group you thought was cool when you were little?
*SClub7.(kental right?!)
7)Do you wanna have kids before you are 30?
*I already had 1 duhh..
8)Ever had a crush on one of your friends parents?
*Nope,that's insane!
9)Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
*I guess i look like my mum.. but both of my parents has big eyes and sharp nose leh.. So who do i look like??
10)If you could be with one person now who would it be?
*My hubby and my late son.. :(
11)Where would you like to be in 10 years?
*In New york?? hahaha...
12)Something you learned about life this year?
*Always fight for my rights and be strong always..
13)What do you want for your birthday?
*A car! Rx8 maybe..(plus a car license haha!!)
14)Have you said I love you to anyone today?
*My hubby la duhh...
15)What did you have for breakfast?
*I don't eat breakfast coz im still sleeping..haha!
16)How many hours of sleep do you get yesterday?
*From 1am to 3pm. which means,15hrs? OMG!!
17)What do you wish you were doing right now?
*erm... a night out with hubby?..
18)Ever had a black eye?
*nope.
19)Last person u went out with?
*My hubby only.. hees!
20)Last board/card game you played?
*Chest(dam)
21)What do you think of Brad Pitt?
*He's cute i guess..
22)Name a friend you have the most in common with?
*My 8yrs gf, Ika Dolly. ;)
23)What color are your toe nails?
*natural.
24)Last person you talked with on the phone?
*My hubby, as usual..
25)Have you traveled overseas?
*Yup, but not that far, in melacca only.. ;(
26)What movie do you want to watch?
*House Bunny & Eagle Eye.
& Thanks Adek Bonc for helping me out with my new blogskins and all those editting.
Friday, October 17, 2008
These days i've been dreaming of my late son. Worst of all, i heard a baby's voice said 'cak' to my ears as i was about to doze off. its like as if he is playing hide and seek with me. Everytime i see toddlers or babies, makes me think of him. He should be feeling the same way as normal kids after i delivered. But he is in another place right now.
Sometimes i miss rubbing my tummy and talk to him throughout my pregnantcy, same goes to hubby, talking rubbish to him. But eversince he left, i felt lonely. I felt like as if no one is always there with me. Whenever i am down, he is always the person that i will talk to. And now he is gone, emptyness is what im going through. Till now, i can't stop tearing to myself whenever i miss him..
Hubby and i have been trying hard to get ourselves together. He is working hard and try to get a place for us to stay. We've made some plannings already and insyaallah we will register for kursus rumahtangga next month. From there, we will slowly proceed. I've lost my precious one and i hope hubby and i will start a new life soon. Whatever it is, i will always miss my precious son...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
mimi: thanks for your concern eventhough i don't really know you. However it is still very hard for me accept the reality of my son's death. Niwae, drop me ur url if you have a blog. Take care!
titjepun: hi gf! catching up with my life now after what has hapen. So currently looking for a long term job. So far im ok. Keep in touch yarh!!
IdahC: I thought u forget me la seyh! LOL. im fine here.. dgr2 da masuk poly kn? all the best for you..
Ekin: Hey smoking partner! Slamat Hari Raya to you too!
Ida: im ok orady.. tapi kadang2 tu maceh ingat2 agi atas ape da berlaku.. but thanks niwae for ur concern. can't believe we meet again here after i quit madrasah. keep in touch kkz!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
A week has past and I've discharge from KKH after my labour. Everything has settled and going back to its rightful place. So for now im resting at home to get myself alive and healthy like last time and at the same time haunting for jobs; a long term job for my future plannings. However currently hubby and family were busy doing kenduri and pekebumian for Ady Adryan and also for our safety especially my health. Hubby's family now had no issue with me nimore and at the same time giving us a helping hand.
I felt a big lost in my life. But i have to be strong. And at the same time be always at the bright sight cause this is the only way to defend my relationship. We have to bare the consequences but really hope that our future plannings shall be fulfilled. So for now its only the matter of prooving to them that we can support ourselves and being loyal to one another. As this days of raya month goes by, little kids and teens happily rayaing from day to night while myself, resting at home. My health is much more important for now and i believe that my happiness shall come alive again in times to come.
Im sorry for my biggest mistakes and cause trouble for everyone. But 1 thing that i shall not forget is my son, Ady Adryan. I don't mind critisism, or calling names on me. This is my blog, its my rights to say what i want. However, this is also not to boast out my problem to everyone, but this is just
a story of my life. I will never fall for what people think of me or look down on me. Important is i can proof to them that i can survive independently and support myself. I won't be repeating my mistakes nor hurt them again, but all i need is the understanding and moral support from them. Although Ady has gone, they still have to understand that he's my child, their grandson and accept this reality. I will always pray for your happiness there in your world son, and i promise that your mum and dad will be together 1 day to meet you again..
In loving memories Always...
Allahyarham Ady Adryan(Abdullah)bin Muhd Yunus
04 October 2008, 3.55pm.
Airmataku tidak henti mengalir melihatmu terpaku membisu. Mengakhiri riwayatmu yang tidak bersalah, tidak berdosa amat pahit untuk ku tempuh. Ku akan sentaiasa mengenang dirimu sayang. Jauh sekali untuk ku lupakan. Inginku memohon seribu keampunan padamu sekiranya kau tahu apa yang berlaku di sekitaranku hingga membuat jasadmu terseksa. Akan ku semadikan dirimu di dalam lubuk hatiku selamanya, dan semoga kite ditemukan kembali di sana...Anakku sayang, Ady Adryan(Abdullah)& thanks hubby for loving me as much as i love you. will always keep to our promises.
Amin.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
End of month has come and like usual, mum asking me the same question. Skipping on what has happened that night, both of my parents got to know everything. Hubby came down to settle everything with them.
So yesterday, went to consult my condition at KKH. My face was gloomy whole day as i love this kiddo soo much. So much plannings i've made for him and i don't want to end his life just like that. Its a very cruel thing to kill your own child. Its my life that im standing on, im no more a kid. Its time for me to make decisions on my own and no one can go against it. Checked and confirm, its already 15 weeks old. I was delighted that my tears began to roll down my cheeks when i saw he is there, lying stively. Had another discussion again in the evening over at my place and dad finally giving me the chance to live on my own. The nikah thingin will be approximately in 3 weeks time, and everyone has agreed. Only mum's hatred towards hubby is still burning in her.
Not all couples will end up theirselves divorced. And its not the matter of love that is controlling me. its only that i had enough of my teenage life which does not brought happiness in my life. I want to start a new life in a different way but no one cares till this matter occur. Enjoy is what people say to me. But i had enough. "Enjoy" is the one that will ruin my life. I want to learn to be independent and learn to face major obstacles by myself. Eventhough im different now to certain people's thinking, im still myself. Although im a cheerful or not, im still a sad person that no one knew about me. Whatever people says about me shall fall on my deaf ears, not being selfish but being myself a chance to proof others that i know what i am doing and living in happy life with it.
Looking forward to next check-up.
