Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Matters went out of place again at home. And i just don't believe im the one was to be blame all the time. Why? Why me only? I knew i made a biggest mistake but why people still have to blame me after everything has settled? 2 days past my home electricity were cut off. i over heard mom's conversation with sis regarding the bills. trying not to make them think that i don't bother, i force myself to join their conversation. I knew there's tons of dollars needed to pay out those bills, but why i am the one that has to be blame for all this? just because about the abortion matters? flash it back, who was the one that insisted the abortion so much. it wasn't me. i wanted my baby so much. it was dad that forces everyone including hubby's parents to agree with the abortion eventhough hubby's parents do not want to abort it. in fact, they came with open arms to help up.dad had made fake stories to mom that they do not want the child. so dad wanted this badly, and now all the unpaid bills were insufficent.
lil sis, yes, i did cause trouble. but both me and bf wanted to be responsible for it. and now abortion has over, our family's financial are tight, im the one were to be blame. just put urself in my shoes. i've lost my dearest child, people are forcing me to leave my hubby, and now, im the cause of our family's tight financial. (tears rolling) mom and u can say that i don't spare a thought, but can u feel what i am feeling inside? each day i never fail to cry to myself. i think of my late child, my relationship, and my family. me and hubby had decided to give mom $400 monthly after our marriage which dad at first agree. now he had twist the whole thang. u can say dad is not at rest working thinking of me. but how sure are u? i hate dad so much cause i knew his darkest secret behind his working scenes on what he had done to our family. and so for now, yeah.. suits you so that im cause for all this..
no one understands this feeling of mine. although they hate bf so much, bf never fails praying to god to protect mom and dad.. but people around us can't stop pulling us down. its not easy for me to forget the past and forget him as well. I've gave birth to his child and we can't possibly tear apart. our son needs us 1 day. me and him have to be together. i can see in mum's eyes that she hated me so much. whenever sis is not at home, mom does not talk to me nicely. till sis homed, she will be back like normal. i know i cause all this. and i know im the one who has to be blamed. so i think its time for me to leave. so that i won't cause any troubles to my family. but don't u worry sis, i will give mom my salry money every month without my presence at home. its time for me to find a new shelter. (tears rolling furiously)
i love mom and my siblings, but sometimes they just don't know what i feel inside..
im leaving soon..
