Monday, November 3, 2008
(Sobbing...)
Its like only 26hrs im back home from my home run yesterday. I thought mum will not open up with another hot topic to me. But yet, she indeed. Saying that my life has turn upside down as i always run away, sleepover outside.. Still going on with a guy that ruined my family. I was hoping to hear something refreshing from her.. as i heard her calm conversation with sis, i decided to sat outside with her. But that was what i get from her. My tears came down as i ate my balance kuih raya in the kitchen. I remember what hubby's dad said, be strong always. I did not utter a single word at mum at all. With heart full of sadness, i went into my room and cried hard again.
I knew that everyone might know that im pregnant to a 4 months baby. Which has fully developed. Seeing my baby in the monitor during my ultrasound was a delightful moment of my life. Its my baby. Every woman will encounter how excrutiating the labour pain is. But it will end in a happy ending. Unlike me, i had suffered the similar pain, but it did not end like what other woman did. Its dead, and i do not get to hold him. The feeling of that pain is still hurting me now. Although me, hubby and his family wanted the child so much, my side forces to go beyond hubby's and family responsiblities.
My side thought that after the abortion, everything will be okay and i will forget hubby. But it went the other way round. I suffered post-mental problems after my labour, i was kept indoor and nobody is around, and i can't step out eventhough i wanna mit my girls. My phone is frequently checked by my dad, he even sent harsh msgs to hubby using my number and me, never fail to tear of my late son. It really hurt my soul. As i browse through others blogs, there are always a beautiful stories and pictures with frens and family to share with. Unlike me, is always the same sad story.. I don't have many close friends for me to open up with. I do have 1 or 2 but we rarely meet up. It takes 4 to 5 months till we see each other again.
My face is very ugly now, i had dark circles around my eyes as i often cried. The only word that describe me most is to be strong, and tolerance. However i really want to thank hubby's father for motivating and giving me strength to overcome this matter. And i really wish to see myself as happy like i use to be in the past. Nope, the day that brought me happiness is the day that me and hubby are declared husband and wife. (im here sobbing yet my sis and mum are having nice conversation outside.. nvm.)
For 4 months i carried him, and now he's gone. I really miss my son.. But he knew its beyond my control and he knew who is the cause of everything. i just can't wait to see him 1 day. Mama and papa will never forget you son.. We will always fight for our happiness and meet you 1 day...
I miss you son..
